I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
