hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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