Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
