you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
