This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
