well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
