The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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