Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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