the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
this hospital has no fireball
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
