My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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