Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
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I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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