had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
