If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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