Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
