There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
