Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
