RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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