Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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