I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
