I don't usually arrange sex via text message
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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