i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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