The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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