You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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