I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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