you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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