Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
