Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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