Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
