How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
