He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I intend to get homeless drunk
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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