You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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