genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
