My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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