When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
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