I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
