GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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