o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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