I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
