Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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