I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
