when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
