and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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