I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
