it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We're too hungover to prance.
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