i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
