Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
