just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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