when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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