So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You are a genius and a whore.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
