The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
