My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
