hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
