Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
