and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
