I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
