Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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